freeze-frame

"whenever I tried to 'stop' a moment, to isolate it from its context, it projected an impression which was not at all what i meant"


When I was in university, a TA screened a film by Marie Menken (Lights 1966) that has been stuck in my head ever since . It is basically close-ups of christmas lights, blurring in and out of focus, moving with the rhythm of life forms, beating hearts, brain synapses.... I immediately went out and read everything I could about her, looking for some resolution to the neverending running loop of this film in my head. There wasn't much; the usual platitudes about film's connection to rhythm, music with no actual sound, typical of the time. The practical truth behind her work was influential--her hand-held camera techniques and how she physically responded to what she was filming as she was filming it were all things that I adopted as a guiless, burgeoning experimental filmmaker. I don't know anymore whether I am a filmmaker, artist, whatever--but to this day, I haven't stopped thinking about that film. I can't find it on the internet--I can barely find mention of it. But here's a link to her most famous work-Glimpse of the Garden, 1957. The legend goes that when the film was first screened in France, the French audience laughed at it, embarrassed by the film's benign simplicity.Maybe you will laugh at it too. Or maybe you will see something of why Lights, 1966 has never left me.

“we work with being, but non-being is what we use.”

i feel like i have been dreaming for the past five years. until i torpedoed myself a few months ago, i didn't even realize that i was miserable. it's scary to think you can be walking and talking and existing without even noticing that you are fucking nonexsistent.
now, at 25, i am either quitting or starting again. not sure which. not sure if it is the right thing or if its just something. maybe the something is enough.at the very least, maybe if i tell you about it, i'll figure it out myself.