"lacing fingers through the notches of my spine"

I'm not the most moral person that ever lived. I can rationalize anything away. That, in its very essence, makes me a hard person to know. But when the world is entirely comprised of hard, could i ever be any different? Wouldn't i just be a different kind of difficult?

I can say that i love, freely and openly and wholly, despite the things i have done or are thought to have done. Despite the things that have happened around me or have happened to me.

I try to be honest. I try to process those things that i did choose to ignore for so long. I do go to great lengths to preserve any semblance of a calm state, and that does sometimes happen at the expense of others. I have tried to minimize that impact, I am definitely not the whirlwind i once was. I can sometimes comfortably tell myself that what I said I did was so infallible that it doesn't matter what I really did. I can change the inappropriate to the philosophical so easily that i think i don't know the difference anymore. Between what is, and what is plausible.

But i love, so much, too much, and i am seemingly unable to balance this love with any sort of logic. Sometimes i have to run with what i know COULD be true, instead of what IS true.

I have so few insights. I have so many tears(like, rips, slashes, cuts, gaps, openings. not saline leaking from my eyes). I try to just be, and hope that the remarkable pieces of myself push through. I don't know how else to live. I don't know if i have found the right, or convinced myself of a tenuous, shakable truth. I only know how to push forward.

into the unknown

It seemed like a good time for some Yves Klein.


I too, have the ability to undertake unaided lunar travel. Okay, not really. But I AM a close friend of The Void.

i'm here, unaware, unknowing and bare

set-out-to

“Leave everything. Leave your wife. Leave your mistress. Leave your hopes and fears. Leave your children in the woods. Leave the substance for the shadow. Leave your easy life, leave what you are given for the future. Set off on the roads.”
(Andre Breton)

freeze-frame

"whenever I tried to 'stop' a moment, to isolate it from its context, it projected an impression which was not at all what i meant"


When I was in university, a TA screened a film by Marie Menken (Lights 1966) that has been stuck in my head ever since . It is basically close-ups of christmas lights, blurring in and out of focus, moving with the rhythm of life forms, beating hearts, brain synapses.... I immediately went out and read everything I could about her, looking for some resolution to the neverending running loop of this film in my head. There wasn't much; the usual platitudes about film's connection to rhythm, music with no actual sound, typical of the time. The practical truth behind her work was influential--her hand-held camera techniques and how she physically responded to what she was filming as she was filming it were all things that I adopted as a guiless, burgeoning experimental filmmaker. I don't know anymore whether I am a filmmaker, artist, whatever--but to this day, I haven't stopped thinking about that film. I can't find it on the internet--I can barely find mention of it. But here's a link to her most famous work-Glimpse of the Garden, 1957. The legend goes that when the film was first screened in France, the French audience laughed at it, embarrassed by the film's benign simplicity.Maybe you will laugh at it too. Or maybe you will see something of why Lights, 1966 has never left me.

“we work with being, but non-being is what we use.”

i feel like i have been dreaming for the past five years. until i torpedoed myself a few months ago, i didn't even realize that i was miserable. it's scary to think you can be walking and talking and existing without even noticing that you are fucking nonexsistent.
now, at 25, i am either quitting or starting again. not sure which. not sure if it is the right thing or if its just something. maybe the something is enough.at the very least, maybe if i tell you about it, i'll figure it out myself.